I recently read an article that started out, “In the beginning, in the garden of Eden, there was a time when shame didn’t exist.” Can you imagine? Life without shame. I think that’s hard for many of us. Because most of us wrestle pretty significantly with shame. Shame tells us that our sin defines us—or that the sins of others define us. It tells us we’re not worth loving, that we better find some masks to cover up our sense of inadequacy. “You’re no good.” “You’re not loved.” “You’re a failure.” “Disgusting.” Shame.

“You’re adopted” was one of the first parts of my identity I remember as a child. I was adopted when I was two years old and immediately put into swim practice. “You’re the Weik swimmer” was the next part of my identity, following the legacy of my almost-Olympian family members. I worshipped this sport - morning and night I was in the pool practicing - which eventually paid off when the Kutztown University swim coach recruited me to swim at the school as one of their distance swimmers. I received a scholarship and started my new identity as a “Kutztown Golden Bear”.

On move in day I unpacked my bags, gave my parents hugs goodbye, and stood alone in a dorm room. I wanted to make friends, so I left my room and was met by a girl in the dining hall who was wearing a bandana, bookbag, an obnoxious amount of bracelets, and a Jesus shirt. She reached out her hand and said, “Hey I'm Elizabeth, want to come to Bible study?” I laughed in her face. Like actually laughing. There was NO WAY, on a SECULAR college campus, a girl was asking ME, an athlete, to go with someone like HER to bible study. I came to Kutztown to get away from the “Jesus stuff.” He is not good, I always told myself. But I thought about how I did want friends and reluctantly I uttered “yes.”

I showed up at a DiscipleMakers meeting with 120-ish students just like me and I hated it. “Never again” I said to myself after. A couple months later, I got a really bad shoulder injury. I couldn’t even lift my arm above my head. I thought to myself, “If there is a God, and He is good and loving, then why would He take something I love so much?” This wrestling drove me to drink and rebel against God. I worshipped swimming, wanted to make my name known in academics, I partied anytime I could. I was living life how I wanted. Part of that desire was to identify myself as far from God as possible. As I did this, I found myself in a deeper and deeper spiral. That’s the power of shame. It deflates, chokes and kills one’s sense of self, relationships with others, and perception of God.

But this faithful friend that I met on my first day of campus, Elizabeth, became (and still is) my best friend. She faithfully invited me to Bible study again and again, and one Monday night I went. I sat in a tiny apartment with fifteen other ladies as we studied the book of Mark together. I learned about Jesus who restored a woman with chronic bleeding, removing her twelve years of social and religious shame by calling her "daughter." Jesus gave her a new identity. But he could never do that for me, I was way too deep in my sin… could he?

Next semester Elizabeth invited me to a DiscipleMakers event called Women's Conference. A staff worker taught on Psalm 124. This passage is about God's divine intervention to save Israel from overwhelming, destructive forces. The Psalm highlights that without the Lord's help against enemies, the people would have been destroyed. It says,

“Had it not been the Lord who was on our side,” Let Israel now say,

“Had it not been the Lord who was on our side when men rose up against us,

Then they would have swallowed us alive, when their anger was kindled against us;

Then the waters would have engulfed us, the stream would have swept over our soul;

Then the raging waters would have swept over our soul.”...

Blessed be the Lord, who HAS NOT given us to be torn by their teeth.

Our soul has escaped as a bird out of the snare of the trapper;

The snare is broken and we have escaped.

Our help is in the name of the Lord, who made heaven and earth.

This is deliverance! It is moving from the brink of shameful destruction to the celebration of divine help from God, ensuring that the Israelites are not ultimately put to shame by their enemies. I then heard the words that saved my life. “The Gospel is this. Jesus left heaven. He lived life 100% perfectly on our behalf. He took the punishment that I deserve and he bore my guilt and shame on the cross. Why? To make me alive.”

The Lord gave me a new identity as “His daughter” on April 7, 2019. For years, my mistakes, brokenness, and weakness became part of my self-image. But the Lord showed me how He is on my side. My help comes from my Heavenly Father, the Creator of the Cosmos, Maker of Heaven and Earth, the One who sent my Redeemer,

my best friend.

One day, and oh I can’t wait for this day, I will be entirely free from shame. There will be a day when all who’ve hoped in Jesus will be clothed in perfect purity and a radiant bridal garment (Rev. 19:7–8; 21:2). Until then, I get to practice the freedom I have been given in Jesus through the Spirit. On that day, I will live a life like Eden was in the beginning, but better. A life that was before shame. It is my future, forever destiny. This hope gives me courage to fight shame’s enslavement. My identity is in Christ.

As I see my identity in Christ grow, the more I want to tell people about Him. For the past almost five years, I have been a missionary with DiscipleMakers, the college campus ministry I was a part of in college. As I have sat down and discipled so many girls, met with supporters for my ministry, and met so many people at church events, I have seen how people live in a broken world and struggle with so much. I wanted to help people more. I then found biblical counseling. I loved it because it approaches personal struggles through the truth, authority, and hope found in the Bible. Recently, the Lord has called me into a new ministry. I will be moving to Louisville, Kentucky this week to start a job as a college admissions counselor at Boyce College at The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. While there, I will be pursuing my master’s in biblical counseling and Master of Divinity. And the best part? I still get to work with college students. :)

The Lord is so good. This image-bearer is broken, but I am being transformed. The reality of my identity and the great hope is that one day I will be perfectly restored. And that’s the day I am waiting for. And until then, I will help others.